The PLAYERS:

Sextus Empiricus

Ludwig Wittgenstein

Duns Scotus

A boy

PROPS: A whip. A star. A parchment.

The SCENE: A lonely road.

The Three Wise Men enter

DS: Where are we going? ... [pause]....

We do know where we’re going, don’t we?

SE: (annoyed) I don’t know.

DS: You don’t know what?

SE: (more annoyed) If we know whether we know where we’re going.

DS: From which it follows that we don’t know where we are going. From which it follows that I don’t know where I’m going. But: AXIOM! A man cannot be said to be going if there is nowhere he goes to. From which it follows that I am not going. QED. Not going! [sits]

LW: (cuts in) Ah! Duns! That is the very form of our problem! We don’t know our way about!

DS: No! (gets up; pokes LW) Your problem, not mine. I’m not going, ergo the question does not arise of where ....

SE: (exasperated). Oh for God’s sake Duns, do you never stop with the logic-chopping? And anyway we do know where we’re going, we just don’t know where that is. We go to fawn over this freak Child, spawned of sinless virgin and other nonsense; the question is, where is that?

DS. (Rummages in coat. Produces parchment). Here, let’s look at the map.

LW: Excellent! A picture of reality! Let me see. (Looks at map)…..

Hmm, ….. no, no, these Roman maps are no good. They don’t come with a rule of projection.

SE: What the deuce would be use of that? And does your rule of projection require a rule of … oh it’s too stupid. Let me see! Where are we on the map? (they all peer at the map). Stupid map! It tells us where Nazareth is, and where the Sea of Galilee is, but it doesn’t tell us where we are. What’s the use of that? Oh bollocks to the map anyway. Say, I’m hungry.

The Boy appears

DS: Look! A boy!

SE: A boy!

LW: A boy! Ha! [produces whip, strikes against hand]

SE: Steady on, Ludwig. Tell me, boy, we’ve lost our way; Do you know your deserts? (LW smirks) I mean, do you know these roads?

Boy: Who wants to know?

SE: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Sextus Empiricus; my friends just call me ‘Sex’. Do you want to be my friend? [the Boy does not reply .. awkward silence .. ]. Well these are my friends Scotus and Ludwig. We’ve lost our way ….um, we’ve …

Boy: Oh come now. Where are you going? More generally, what is your aim?

LW: To show the fly the way out of the fly-bottle!

DS: No no Ludwig (hits him gently), have you no sense of context? Where are we going?

LW: Why do you ask me? You said we do know where we’re going.

DS: No I didn’t!

SE: Look (to the boy) …We do know where we’re going.

LW: We simply don’t know our way about.

DS: That’s it! O forgive me, Sex! The fallacy of equivocation in my earlier proof on the locution ‘knowing where’! COROLLARY: Mistaking one Universal for another! We know where we’re going, but we don’t know the way to get there. Now am enlightened!

LW: So our problems have completely disappeared!

SE: NO! Christ! [to boy] You see, in a word, the fact is, we’re … we’re lost.

Boy: I see. Well then, er, if may ask, where are you going?

(The Three Wise Men hesitate, look at each other; DS steps forward)

DS: Allow me. We seek the Christ Child. You know, the child spawned of sinless virgin. Have you heard of him?

Boy: Of course – though not in exactly those words, but never mind. Everyone and his sheep is going.

SE: Sheep, you say? Will there be many sheep?

Boy: um, yes.. There are signs posted, you know.

SE: Yes, but Ludwig says we should ignore those signs. He says we must find a sign that we could grasp in a way that was not an interpretation.

LW: I did not. I did not say that we should ignore the signs, only that ….

DS: [Interrupting] Oh never mind what Ludwig says. The man has become completely unintelligible. Now listen boy, can’t you help us? We are three wise men come from very far, bearing frankincense and myrrh, and what not, and we’ve got to go adore this Christ Child.

Boy: Wise men???? You????

LW: Why yes! We are …. philosophers!! [The Three WM smile and nod at each other in a self-satisfied way].

[The Boy shakes head at audience, rolls eyes].

Boy: I see. Well look, It’s really very simple. When the sky is dark you will see a star, a very bright star – the brightest star in the sky. Follow it. It will lead you to the Christ Child.

DS: You mean the Morning Star?

SE: (Annoyed) No, obviously he means the Evening Star.

DS: Morning!

SE: Evening!

DS: Nope. Morning.

LW: You fools! The Morning Star IS The Evening Star!

SE: (smugly) Didn’t say it isn’t.

DS: (smugly) Neither did I.

LW: But you did! Just now, you disagreed! You (pointing to DS) said it was the Evening Star and you (pointing to SE) said it was the Morning Star.

SE: No, I said the boy means the Evening Star. Scotus said the boy means the Morning Star. That’s different. He might mean one but not the other.

DS: What do you mean ‘the other’? Why surely….

Boy: (exasperated) Listen, wise men or no wise men … Look there, you see? (points to star; they look) I mean Dthat!!!

SE: Ah!

DS: Crikey! A direct reference! The boy is without sinn!

(the three wise men get on their knees, bowing to the boy)

SE: There’s nothing like direct reference!

LW: Cuts right through the muck!

SE: The filth!

DS: The concepts! The filthy concepts!

LW: That is how a picture is attached to reality: it reaches right out to it!

(the BOY shakes head, backs out of room)

DS: Well then, what have we got by way of prezzies for this Christ Child anyway? We can’t just stand around adoring him. It would be awkward.

SE: Well I’ve got the gold, frankincense and myrrh, and some whisky, and some beans.

LW: Bah, base material things.

SE: Oh you and your purities, Ludwig. I suppose you brought your porridge and nothing else?

LW: No, nothing. I was going to bring a beetle, but it’s just as well I didn’t. Instead, I propose to teach the child, give him lessons (fondles whip, glances down at it).

DS: Oh yes, that would go over well! We know all about your teaching methods. What would you teach him, anyway?

LW: Why, how to GO ON, of course. They’d thank me. I’d train the child, with a stick. Explanations and rules are no good.

DS: If only I’d bought that gadget I saw in a shop window back home in Scotland, in St. Andrews – it would have given the child everything he needs.

SE: Another one of your immaculate conceptions, Doctor?

DS: No, no – much better! An Abstraction Principle! You can make everything you need for the most abstruse ratiocinations, right in the comfort of your own home! A fine gift.

SE: I wouldn’t trust it. Have to see it first.

LW: Herr doktor, I do not think the Son of Man will have much use for the latest flash gadgets, no matter how suitably restricted. Anyway we ought to be getting on. And look, the sky is darkening. Where is that star, anyway?

SE: I don’t think we should trust it. I doubt the boy. And I’m hungry. Can’t we stop and eat? And I could use a drink.

DS: Must you always think of your tummy, Sextus?

LW: And always doubting. Doubting has an end, you know. You can’t just go around doubting, it’s silly.

SE: I don’t just go around doubting. I eat. And I drink. Then I doubt. One cannot doubt on an empty stomach …. and when I’ve had enough whisky, let me tell you, I can doubt like hell! I can doubt that I’m doubting, and doubt that I’m doubting that I’m doubting, and so on! It is a great power I have!

LW: But ….

DS: You have to admit, Ludwig, it’s a form of life.

LW: Well all right. But hadn’t we be getting on?

SE: Yes. The child!

DS: The child! Let us adore him!

LW: Come then, there is the star (points at star); this way! (Begins walking away from the star).

SE: Ludwig, what are you doing?!!? The star is that way! (SE points towards star; LW stops) why do you go that way?

LW: When I obey a sign, I act blindly!

DS: A man of faith, after all! Let us follow!

(exeunt)

THE END

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